SARAHFACE;

i found this the other day. i wrote it over a year ago. hm.

turn the radio up & lay your head on me. down the rest of the bottle & let your mind run free. the drugs are taking over so let’s just give in. i don’t know where we’re going but i know where we’ve been. you know we can’t go back and the mistakes are in the past. so let’s just breathe in deep & let this feeling last. you have nothing to lose & i have no where to go, so let’s just be content as i sketch my name in the fog on your window. we’re reckless, destructive, & yet invincible. we’re drunk as hell but the booze is affordable. we’re the teenagers that feel the eyes of elders constantly on their back, look for little more than the escape in which they lack. but as we watch the sun rise and the cars on the freeway intersect, hold my hand & know that in this moment
life’s perfect.

asdfghjkl; feeling a little better now. these pills really make my moods crazy...completely OOC. i came home & i feel a million times better. my mom has the entire interior of the house decorated for christmas already & it's absolutely beautiful. i can't wait until saturday, major christmas shopping & decorating is definitely going down at my house :] so excited. i love christmas time.

here's our christmas tree. my grandma is really particular about where the ornaments go which makes it twice as funny when my cat knocks them down in the middle of the night. lol. it used to be my dad's job to put the angel on top, but since my parent's divorce, he obviously isn't around to do it. now jordan does it...i think he did a pretty good job :]

i have a couple of favorite ornaments. :) this is one my aunt barbara gave me a couple christmases before she died. my parents always called me angel. she always call me cupcake (hence my tattoo). i think this is quite possibly the most adorable thing i have ever seen.

i know she's smiling down on us when we put that on the tree, saying, "don't you just love it???" haha :D
& my mom gave me this two christmases ago. so presh. she gave it to me after i was in the parade of lights for my pageant. i don't know if you can read it, but it says Sarah Pabon. Teen Miss Douglas County 2006. :)


i think i'm going to make christmas cookies next weekend for all my friends & family & the neighbors in my building. i'm not much of a cook but i can bake decently. i love playing with cookie cutters :) it felt so good to come home today. i love living on my own, but sometimes, the messy teenager crap gets old. it's fun but it's not cozy. i come to my mom's house & instead of smelling last night's beerfest, i smell candles & dryer sheets. it's just comfy. i miss home sometimes. when i walked in the door i noticed that alex (my brother's best friend... practically, a brother to me) had set up my train set to go around the tree & play christmas music...it made me cry. lol. jordan saw me crying & tackled me to the ground. haha :] silly boys.


anyway, last night was fun! amplified put on a masquerade party for Apple B's 21st birthday.

lyss & i dressed up, & the millisecond i walked in the door i regretted it. underground isn't exactly the classiest of venues & therefore doesn't attract the classiest of people. most outfits ranged from cocktail dresses to jeans & tshirts to underwear...eh. we looked cute but the shoes about killed me.


Anyways.... i'm sorry about my last entry. this medication is really taking a toll on me. thankfully today is the last day :] if this run doesn't work, i'll have to be hospitalized indefinitely. keep your fingers crossed. now i want to do a polar opposite of my earlier blog. here's some things that make me laugh, smile, or amuse me.. :]



deer? ...or elephant? pick one.



ROTFLMFAO.


AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.


timon & pumba...they're real.


i perform a similar ritual when i wake up.



:D



commitment.

Before you ask, no. I'm not better. I've been in the ER four times in three weeks. Since October 29 I have been on Augmentin, Zythromycen (twice), Doxycycline, Prescription strength Robitussin, Codeine, Advair, Bactrum, Azythromycen, Tamiflu, an emergency inhaler, Tussinex, & now Prednisone, a steroid that turns me into a fucking monster. I haven't been able to get rid of my cough & most mornings I wake up gasping for air. I've coughed to the point that I pulled a muscle in my lower back, threw up, and burst a blood vessle in my left eye. I've never been this sick & it's times like this that i wish I had someone to just cry on. I'm frustrated, sore, lonely, with a hint of vulnerability. It sucks & I keep trying to tell myself it's just the drugs. The side effects of my current medication are mood swings, ridiculous levels of energy, depression, & changes in appetite. I can't seem to even stay in one state of mind & for the past week, I've felt like I'm watching myself from an outsiders perspective. I hate to write a pitty me blog and I hate to cry at things like accidentally stepping on bugs but that's exactly where I'm at right now.

List of things I currently dislike:
Lyssa keeps singing "if you're grumpy & you know it"... I want to punch her.
Cold wind
People who say "obvii"
Ironic tee shirts
Lint
Shaved heads
Scratches on my iPhone
Messy apartment
Repeating myself
When people call me Tara.
Mouth breathers
Escalators
The word "ferment"
Obnoxious boys
The letter N
When lyssa won't let me watch Disney
Lyssa's terrible spelling & grammer
My Bangs
The way he looks at me
Not getting replies to texts
The cramp in getting in my right thumb
Empty I love you's
The way he... This is ridiculous.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Last 5 people you kissed
1. bryce.
2. aaron.
3. jake.
4. nick.
5. johnny.

Where do they live?
1. alaska.
2. reno.
3. foothills.
4. smith valley.
5. carson.

Did you ever date?
1. no.
2. no.
3. no.
4. no.
5. it's complicated.

Who are they dating now?
1. nobody.
2. lol.
3. nobody.
4. dunno.
5. couldn't tell ya.

How old are they?
1. 2..4?
2. 23? 24?
3. 23.
4. 23.
5. 20.

What race are they?
1. white.
2. white.
3. white.
4. white.
5. white.

When's the last time you saw them?
1. saturday.
2. two weeks ago-ish?
3. friday.
4. last monday.
5. a month ago..

When's the last time you talked to them?
1. saturday.
2. a few minutes ago.
3. yesterday?
4. friday.
5. a month ago..

Do they go to your school?
1. no.
2. no.
3. no.
4. yes.
5. no.

Why did you kiss them?
1. i was pretty shmammied. lol. but he was a sweet guy.
2. because i felt something.
3. he's one of my best friends.
4. again, great friend.
5. i thought there was something there. i was sadly mistaken.

Would you do it again?
1. sure.
2. omg.
3. mhm.
4. *shrug*
5. yes.

i feel ridiculously calm. i want to throw things and create chaos just to make sure i'm still breathing. it's an interesting feeling, knowing that you essentially broke even in a situation. i like it. i feel like the darkness kinda fluttered out of my life. i got yelled at, put down, manipulated, and belittled, but i'm standing up, brushing myself off & saying goodbye. that was no way to live and i'm okay with leaving it behind.

i found a reason to smile today. amidst being put on probation at work, being told i meant nothing, & having a bad hair day to end all bad hair days...i found something to laugh at.

i'm okay. i'm so okay. i've felt heartbreak & this isn't it. this is just the mourning of the loss; the loss of convenience, comfortability, & flattery...i can find that anywhere.

new life motto: keep your head held high, gorgeous. people would kill to see you fall. :]







today, let's find an old polaroid camera & go on an adventure. we can drive until the gas light comes on & take pictures of life's pretty things. like, old people holding hands & little kids smiling at dandelions blowing away. let's buy balloons & let them go over the freeway & throw paper planes into traffic.you know, quality time.

">There's no comfort in the waiting room. Death cab said it best: "just anxious faces bracing for bad news". That's one of my favorite songs, "what Sarah said"...& not just because my name is in it :).
You'll notice people rarely make eye contact in the waiting room of hospitals, doctors offices, or health clinics. Everyone is too lost in their own heads, scared shitless but trying not to cry. The cheery decor is a joke and the comedy shows on the tv are just entertaining themselves. It's a sad sight & &my stomach drops everytime I walk in.
I'll start off by saying I'm quite accident prone. I specialize in concussions but within the last year I've also been known to bust out a mean cracked rib, asthmatic attack, spider bite, & various sprains, breaks & cracks. So I'm greeted by first name upon approaching the nurse's station. I fill out the paperwork and stop at the "reason for visit". My pen hovers for a minute and I'm tempted to write broken heart, but settle on STD screen instead. I cringe at the thought of the bill being sent to my father but choose to blame it on him missing too many of my dance recitals when he confronts me about it.
I never wanted to be this girl. I didn't want to be a notch on someone's bedpost & I certainly didn't want to be here, pissing in a cup & hoping for the best. I didn't want to care about someone only to find out that I'm just "Saturday" to them.
I don't think I'm at point in my life where I'm ready for a "boyfriend". I just want someone who cares about me, that I care about, & who will get to know me, give me goodmorning kisses & agree to not fuck half of Reno.

I like to believe that that's not too much to ask for.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

i'm basically being entirely too stubborn these days.
i won't admit i'm wrong.
i won't admit i screwed up.
i won't admit that he's gone.
i won't admit that i'm broke.
i won't admit that i'm academically failing.
i won't admit that i have too much going on.
& i definitely won't admit that i'm miserable.

so what's going on? ahem. let's begin at the beginning.
i moved out. i love it. my mother & my wallet hate it. i get by & i do just fine but i definitely don't care how cushy my toilet paper is anymore. i've given up having my car detailed, manicures, and daily starbucks runs. but i'm okay. my apartment building is in foreclosure. the owners haven't been paying their mortgage. i have it all worked up in my head that they're spending our rent money on a secret underground drug cartel that stems from cuba. my i haven't been able maintain my health for the past couple months because i've been so busy. just got over the flu, followed by strep, & today i was diagnosed with bronchitis. swine flu aint got nothin on me. i'm now working three jobs, picked up my third at la ferme, a 5 star french restaurant where lyssa works. it's probably temporary which is a good thing because i'm run into the ground. i work at Wells Fargo tuesdays, thursdays, fridays, & saturdays. I work at La Ferme saturdays & sundays. I go to school mondays & wednesdays. & i'm pretty much on call at the swim center. it's rough not having any days to myself but i'm gonna pull through. i haven't been turning in much work at school, because frankly the free time i have is so sacred that i rarely feel the need to do more things i don't want to do. it's rough.

I just want a couple of days to get in the car with my besties, drive until we reach somewhere that's warm & happy. i want to stay in a sleezy motel & dance the night away on the beach. i want to climb a tree hungover & sleep in the branches. i want to dress like a hippy and go shopping in the haight in SF. i just want to be careless for a couple days.

i took this picture a couple weeks ago. i spent the night in reno & woke up & met lyssa in downtown. we went shopping & out to lunch & during the drive to sparks it started to rain so hard. it looked like the sky was trying to cleanse the slutty streets of the city & make it feel a little calmer for a few hours. i love this picture.


i'm going to be okay. there's going to be more day where i feel overwhelming joy & contentedness & there's going to be more days where i feel helpless & directionless. i just have to keep my head on straight, maintain a little bit of energy & remember that these are the days that i'll remember fondly as an old woman when i can no longer jump fences to evade the police or dance into tomorrow. these are the days that i'll cherish those fucked & exhausting & pointless & wreckless as they may be.

I know it's been forever & it's going to take me days to fill you in on everything that's happened. I'm sorry. I know I had a lot of devoted readers from myspace, but I actually just downloaded the live journal app for iPhone (fuck yeah there's an app or that). Wow. Where do I start.
The last time we spoke, I was just trying to get chris out of my life, though most of the time unsucessfully. Good news is, he's gone. Bad news is that he got hit by a bus.

I'm totally joking. But he is in jail. I don't want to talk about it. I'm very happy he's out of my life. He was poison and I very much needed him, the lies, & the drugs out of my life completely. I never could have done that had I not met two of the most important people on my life.

This is lyssa.

& this is Kaitlin.
Yup bitches, I got me some female friends. Proud? Lol.
Long story short, Kate & I got down at cops & robbers over summer. Almost got arrested but it was one of the funnest nights of my life.

At the time Kaitlin & lyssa were living together so lyss and I started hanging out too. We went to a couple parties. Moved onto the club scene. And now we live together. Haha.

Basically, these girls are my absolute best friends and they mean the world to me.

I can't get over how much my life has changed just since July. There have been so many boys who took tiny pieces of my heart with them when they walked away, so many crazy nights that left me head hurting and my reputation bruised, but soany incredible memories. These are the times I wish I had take. The timeto record here because you wouldn't believe. My life be like oooooh ahhhhh. Seriously. I'm so happy.

I quit cold stone. Hold your applause. I'm working at wells Fargo now. Hella shnazz. Full benefits. It's alright. Pays the rent.

I miss rockin jeans & my vans to work though.

I've made a ton of new friends too & each & everyone of them mean the world to me.

I promise I'm gonna stay up on my journal for a while. Ibhope you all know how much I apreciate you reading :). Remember: life is short; dance hard.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

it's 1:43am when i eventually stumble in the door. the last few hours have been spent driving aimlessly, chain smoking, & feeling annoyed at the sticky feeling my tears leave on my collar bone. my ipod's battery is flashing & i've flipped through most of the 1,029 songs in my library without feeling a connection to any of them. i have yet to fill up my gas tank & the caution light has been on for two days. i have enough cash in my wallet to fill it up 4 or five times, but that small risk that i'll break down is the only adrenaline rush i get these days. the term "numb" comes to mind & i'm reminded of an overly dramatic evanescence song that i used to sing along to loudly in my room while burning incense when i was fifteen. i feel pathetic and wonder what i have left to grasp onto. i'm pushing people away while at the same time, gravitating toward anyone who will give me the time of day. break ups are almost always this devastating, but you never really expect your whole world to come crashing around you with it. it should be as simple as snip snip, he's cut out of your life, but it's not. nothing's ever that simplistic. it's times like these that i resort to bad habits. smoking, failure to eat, hyper-sexuality. it's a comfort to know i've been here before & smiled my way out of it. i'm going to be okay, i know that. that's more than i knew 3 years ago when merciful death seemed the solution. i'm healthier now. i'm more stable. but that's not saying much. i just want to have a reason to wake up in the morning. i want something to smile about & someone to imagine singing my favorite songs to because they make so much more sense.




i want to feel whole again.







PS.
i got a tattoo. i'll explain the story behind it when i'm feeling better.

for as long as i can remember, when i get sad i get ridiculously sad.
i hate to use the word "depressed" because it's thrown around so often and has become so cliche'.
but when something gets to me, i feel it all over. it's as if my heart can't take all of it & depends on the rest of my body to absorb it's portion of the shock. i get headaches, i get dizzy, i feel sore all over, i zone out, i have trouble breathing. i wonder if there is a name for that, like a medical term.

i broke down last night. these freak outs & panic attacks are becoming more & more frequent.

i took a short stroll down memory lane which then turned into fast paced jog and eventually a voyage....sorry that was lame, let me elaborate:
myspace has been annoying the shit out of me telling me i have 51 unread messages hiding somewhere in my inbox. so i spent three hours going through them to find these mysterious 51 messages. along the way, i found messages from as far back as 2006 that brought back so many memories & so many feelings. just looking back at how much i screwed up and didn't even realize at the moment broke my heart. there's this boy. you haven't been introduced to him yet & at this point i'm too scared to tell you who he is on the off chance that he reads this...i can't handle the rejection. basically, this boy pulled out every flaw that i had, pointed them out, & then told me he loved me regardless. he told he loved me & that he always would. i realize now that i put him through way more than i should. the world was against us being together. his friends, my friends, my age, his plans; they were all out of sync and none would permit us to get past the "i love you but..." phase. for the past year i decided out of sight out of mind would get me through the most recent break up & until last night it did. but then i saw him. i read his messages from years ago & couldn't help but wonder if they still rang true.

when people say forever, can they honestly mean it?
not like, i question if he lied, but can you say "i'll always love you" with no uncertainty, that regardless of who comes into or out of your life, you will always maintain that feeling? ugh.


he may never see this & i don't know if i ever want him to but:

"i love you. i can't help but see that i never stopped loving you. if given one last opportunity, i know that we'd be perfect together. i want to be in your life to support you & know that you're loved. i want to hold your hand & keep you safe. i miss you joking with me & laughing at my stupidities. i miss that feeling of pride when people talked about how gorgeous my boy was. i know your heart is taken, but mine is yours if you ever wish to take it."

here's a small list of things that i like & make me smile:

* face paint.

* animals who look like their smiling.

* carousels.

* castles.

* playing dress up.

* wearing costume jewelry out & about.

* pretty colors.

* seeing old couples holding hands.

* hello kitty.

* baby animals.

* old fashion ice cream cones.

* cupcakes.

* finger paint.

* having my picture taken.

* tiny stuffed animals.

* kiddie food.

* when people make silly faces.

* winks.

* ballerina musical jewelry boxes.


& from now on, i'm not letting anyone take these things away from me. i may be 19, but i DO NOT have to give up things that make me happy. some people hate anyone who finds joy in little things. i simply don't care. i'm not letting anyone [especially bitchy ass boys] break my spirit & give up the little things that make me me. :)

To me, nineteen years feels so old. It's almost 2 decades: 20 years.
It took 20 years for Watchmen to become a movie.
It took 20 years to build the first Deathstar.
It took 20 years for Dale Earnhardt to win the Daytona 500.
It took 20 years for Jonathon Gould to finish the Beatles' biography.

but in [nearly] 20 years I've learned but a few small lessons:
>>you can't give your heart to someone & expect to get the whole thing back.
>>too much cookie dough = a tummy ache.
>>a girl should never have to make a decision when it comes to shoes; my daddy always told me "why not just get both?"
>>you can drink away the breakup but in the morning you're still broken up & you're throwing up.
>>even 6 years after your first kiss, you'll still do the awkward nose bump from time to time.
>>realizing that what you have is so much more fulfilling than wishing for what you don't.
>>always give change to homeless people... even if everyone around you disapproves.
>>men. chocolate. coffee. some things are just better rich & strong.
>>picking flowers will always make me feel like a murderer.
>>don't ever visit disneyland with someone you don't love; the happiest place on earth should not be tainted.
>>not every kiss will be magical but the depressingly long time in between the ones that aren't & the ones that are make growing up worth it.
>>people will smile at you but secretly pray that you trip & fall on your pretty face.
>>table tops, roadways, backseats: dance EVERYWHERE [oh & sing loudly].
>>don't walk. strut.

mary & i have been best friends since 5th grade, back when we'd sneak eyeliner & lip gloss into the school bathrooms because our parents wouldn't let us wear it. she made fun of me when i became a pop warner cheerleader but never failed to support me. we linked arms & walked around the playground like we owned the damn place. we talked on the phone for hours upon hours and three-way called boys that we were too scared to talk to alone. we made pacts to visit hollywood & put our hands in the prints when we turned 18. it never happened but we did plan to go to san fran last summer but at the last minute her dad wouldn't let her. through out our whole lives everything has happens to one of us, happens to the other around the same time. she got her first kiss, i got my first kiss (& we both chewed gum & sucked mints practically 24/7 until it happened because we both terrified that we'd have bad breath when the moment occured). we each got boyfriends around the same time & our parents divorced within a few years of each other. in 8th grade her family packed up & moved to pennsylvania & later texas. i oddly remember that i got my first pair of contacts the same day she moved & within a few weeks she called me to let me know that she had followed suit.

mary came to visit me this weekend. everything that could have possibly gone wrong did & i loved every second of it. we tried to get her a new phone at the sprint store & that failed epically. first, we couldn't find the damn place & my gps on my iphone had us driving aimlessly around washoe valley looking for "the ramp". by the time we finally got to the place, the guy told us that he couldn't issue her a new phone without the owner of the account's presence. so mary tried calling her mom to get verbal permission but the sprint dude wouldn't accept it. super lame. we also tried to get a simple manicure. one stinking mani! we wanted to paint our nails super bright green for st. patrick's day. every place we went to wouldn't take us because they were booked or too busy or closed. seriously? we didn't even want acryllic or anything, just paint. then we tried to get mary two more holes in her right ear. we attempted to go to spearme because it's had such a great reputation but the guy wasn't even there! why wouldn't you do piercings on a saturday?? sheesh. saturday night we planned to go to the greenlight party at the underground, but were distracted by a party at heather's & simply never got around to it. it reminded me of all the planning & scheming we did as kids that never worked out the way we wanted.
today i had to put my best friend on a plane to texas & watch her walk away yet again. every time she visits & has to leave again i feel again like i did five years ago when she got on the bus & i didn't see her again for a year & a half.
since she left, i've yet to make another best friend. i haven't found anyone i can talk to everything about. i haven't found anyone who i can hang out with everyday & not get sick of. i haven't found anyone who makes me laugh as hard & i haven't found anyone quite like my best friend. in fact i haven't even been able to make a good girl friend who hasn't hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, or ditched me. and let me tell you, it sucks. i really want someone who i can have sleepovers with & do each other's hair & nails & go shopping & cook together. i love my boys with all my heart but sometimes being "one of the guys" when you're a 19 year old girl, sucks.

i have an addictive personality.
my current addiction is counting calories.
i try to stay under 500 each day.
i learned that i burn 350 calories when i roller skate for a half hour.
i've been skating everyday for 30 minutes- an hour.
i want to break necks at the beach this year.




i've felt terrible lately.
for about the past month i've felt on the verge of serious illness. i don't know what's wrong with me but i feel dizzy and disoriented a lot. sometimes i'll be at work & i'll feel like the whole world just shifted slightly to the left & i lose my balance. i have constant headaches and i'm cranky a lot. sometimes i just want to cry & cry & cry & other times i feel on top of the world. some nights i come home from school or work late at night & i just sit on the couch & cry. for the past week, every time i stand up, i get searing pain through my head & neck. i wake up every morning still exhausted and sore all over. my neck feels so stiff all the time. i'm coughing a lot, but that could be due to my increased cigarette intake. my middle of the night breakdowns are well-tolerated by those around me, because they, luckily, are never around to witness them. i feel like i'm alone over 50% of the time because i keep such weird hours; my days start around noon & end at somewhere around 2. i have serious insomnia...sometimes i go grocery shopping in the middle of the night just because i feel so lonely while everyone else is sleeping & i'm still wide awake. i feel like i haven't seen my mom in weeks even though we live in the same house. by the time i wake up, she's already gone to work & by the time she gets home, i'm already off to work or school & by the time i get home, she's asleep. things feel so overwhelming right now.

what's so overwhelming?
school.
i feel like i'm behind. i feel like i'm not giving 100%, but at the same time i feel like it's all i do. i want my teachers to be proud & more importantly for my parents to be proud. but i have no motivation and no inspiration. it all just feels like too much.
work.
i swear, i work my ass off to keep everything running and go beyond my job description everyday. but for a mere $165 every other week, it just doesn't seem worth it. i come home smelling like cakes and good smelling stuff, but even that smell is starting to make me sick. i need to get out of there but i can't afford to right now. yeah, i still have my lifeguard job at the pool where i make almost double the money, but i have no hours there right now.
family.
my parents have been fighting a lot. i thought divorces were supposed to eliminate that. i hate when they argue through me or tell me to tell the other one something and i hate when they say mean things about each other.


but you know there's always a silver lining...there's a boy.

& he's kinda sorta amazingly incredible. :)

sensory overload.

you know that feeling right before something unbelievably incredible happens, where you kinda want to squeal & cry at the same time? it's very much similar to the feeling you get right before you hear the tone of breakup in the love of your life's voice & you want to scream & cry at the same time. they should be opposite feelings but really...they're not. in both scenarios, your body is telling you not to get overly emotional, because it (whatever it is) may or may not happen, but in your heart of hearts, you know.

i believe the term is overly emotional. it's like PMS but all the time. i keep going from happy, careless, & free to miserable, weepy, & trapped. i go from motivated to defeated within seconds. even as i write this, i'm contemplating exiting out & just curling up on the couch & having myself a good cry. this town is starting to give me a major case of claustrophobia. yet, some days, the thought of leaving scares the hell out of me. i've been smoking more cigarettes lately & watching more 3am infomercials & crying because the salespeople seem so fucking happy over their magic bullet blender. i want my magic bullet to make me that happy...yes, i own one. yet in the same breath, i've also been driving around the block three or four times before i go home just to sing & dance along to the radio. i've been spending extra time on my hair & nails & remembering people's birthdays.

i'm a piping hot bowl of crazy.

this blog is all over the place. my english teacher (who has made it abundantly clear that she thinks i'm a giant waste of talent) would nitpick the hell out of this with her stupid red pen.





i'm going to let various bits of photography that i've found speak for me.







i think i'll take that cry now.

[this is to be referenced in response to my myspace blog found at: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=41239202&blogID=469124617]

Performance Resume'
Sarah Pabon
Dance/Theatre/Model/Voice
ohsarahface@hotmail.com
myspace.com/whatsarahsaid_xo

Objective: As a lifelong performer, I hope to expand my experience in hopes of obtaining a career in one of my favored fields: dance, music, theatre, and modeling.

Performance Education:
Dance Workshop Performing Arts Center: 1994-2008.
-Under the direction of Ann Peterson, Vicki Brockhage, Katie (married name unknown), & Caitlin Papp.
-Studies in tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, lyrical, voice, theatre, and stage make up (gore, prosthetics,

Douglas High School Theatre:
-Drama Class/ Tiger On-Stage Theatre Company: 2006-2007
-Under the direction of James Darby Scoggins
-Studies in stage fighting, theatrical make up, acting.

New York City Dance Alliance
-Tap & Jazz Convention in San Jose, CA: 2003

Teams
Douglas High School Cheer 2004-2005
Douglas High School Danceline 2006-2007
Dance Workshop Competition Team

Performances:
- Dance:
* Annual Recital - Caesar's Lake Tahoe, CA 1993-2000 & Carson City Community Center 2000-2008
* Headliners Dance Competition: Reno, NV 1998
* Headliners Dance Competition: Carson City, NV 2000
* Disney Magic Music Days: Disneyland, CA 2003
* Las Vegas Dance Competition : Las Vegas, NV 2006
* Douglas High School Danceline Halftime Shows

-Theatre:
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red and the Riding Hoods" under the direction of Annalyse Klekar. -Character: Hood [2007]
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red Riding Hood" under the direction of Desiree Davis -Character: Little Red Riding Hood [2007]
* "Nutcracked" under the direction of Ann Peters. (character varied by night) [2007]
* "Charleston" under the direction of Ann Peters -Character: The Duchess of Milford [2008]

-Modeling:
* Rockstar Modeling Competition [1st Round: 1st place; 5th overall]
* Rockstar & Kila Clothing Model. Photographed by Brittany Johnson of Up & Away Photography
* Carson Valley Cruisers Classic Car Model
*Douglas County's Little Miss Photogenic Teen 2006
* Work for Independent Photographer, Casey Cotter: Casey Chaos Photography

-Other:
* Teen Miss Douglas County 2006

my birthday was fantastic. i turned nineteen on january seventeenth. [sorry it took me so long to write about it] i have a lot to catch you up on, but i needed this to be it's own separate posting because i don't want my favorite day in the world tainted by all the other stresses in my life.
i started my day, spending entirely too much time getting ready, & went with a bold hip hugging sweater dress & knee high boots with fishnet stockings...which turned out to be retardedly uncomfortable for the day i had planned, lol. chris came over in the morning & had the most beautiful pink rose & a little pig that you squeeze & it oinks & says i love you :)

it's finally starting to die & i really wish it would stop :(
then i went out to olive garden for lunch with my family & chris. i got whistled at as i walked in the restaurant & that pretty much made my day, haha. my family gave me presents tooo :D. my brother gave me some calendar & planners & journals. my grandpa gave me cash (way to go papa :D). my grandma gave me gossip girl season 1 on dvd. & my mom gave me a tempurpedic pillow. mmm, iloveit!! at the end of lunch, the waiters sang me happy birthday & brought out a cake that my mom had had made for me. it was beautiful, with white frosting, with pink ribbon frosting going around it, & topped with a princess crown & "happy birthday, princess sarah" written in pink on top. unfortunately, i didn't get a chance to take a picture before it was cut.

then i went shopping with chris...one of my favorite things in the world. unfortunately, chris made it pretty obvious that he didn't want to be there :/ so, i hurried as much as i could. i bought a new pair of jeans from wet seal that i love & a really cute pink sweatshirt from victoria's secret's pink line.

cute huh?
& i got the cutest hello kitty hair bow at upper deck with pink rhinestones all over it. it's so me, it's ridiculous.

after that i went home to change & pack a bag for the night. i had planned to go to a rave in reno called peace & then stay up there.

so we went to carson to johnny's to meet up with everybody, we walked in the door, & SURPRISE! my boys had thrown me a surprise party. seriously, it was so cute.

they decorated EVERYTHING with pink & black streamers [& i really do mean everything...vacuum, bannister, doors, hahha] later on, they turned out the lights & had me blow out the candles on the cutest little starwberry shortcake cake ever, that johnny & dana made me. i wanted to cry it was so sweet.

even the little candles had polka dots on them. those kids know me so well :D

cutting my cake :)
there was soo much alcohol but i didn't really drink. i had plans to celebrate mine & my dad's birthdays the next day. plus by the end of the night i really didn't know many people there, john had taken off walking around drunkenly (lmao) & i guess some people were jumping on josh's car? i passed out in sam's room on the floor. lol.


it was such a great birthday & i am so grateful that my friends remembered & care enough about me to want to make my birthday special. I LOVE YOU GUYS, MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!

the next day, i went to reno with my dad, step mom, & step sister, brenda. we went shopping, out to dinner at the outback, & then went to the movies to see paul blart. cute. kinda lame, but cute. my step parents gave me a $25 visa card & i gave my dad a cd of me singing "a whole new world" from aladdin & "butterfly kisses". songs from my childhood :]

happy birthday to meeeee :D

UPDATE:
oh & how could i forget?
heather made this for me out of frosting on a piece of wax paper :) sooo cute.

then kevin ruined it with a big giant frosting penis! lmao :D

i'm afraid i'm going to scare people away.
i want people in my life so bad. lots of people. i want a close circle of friends. but i come with too much baggage. i feel like people look at me and just see a train wreck. they see drama & chaos. i feel like before people even know me in depth, they see the things i've done, the people i've associated with, and the facade. i just want someone to sit on the floor with me, with a cup of coffee & a pack of cigarettes & just talk to me for hours. have you seen elizabethtown? where orlando bloom & kirsten dunst talk on the phone the entire night then meet each other halfway in the middle of a highway, talking on their cells the whole way. i want that. just sit down & let's share our life stories.

i'm afraid that i've set the bar too high educationally.
i received a 3.75 gpa for the fall semester. i was stoked & happy for a few days. then i picked out my spring semester classes. now i'm afraid that i won't be able to do as well this semester & my parents won't be proud of me. my mom said as long as i try my best she'll be proud but honestly, what parent would be proud of a 1.0, ya know? i'm taking math & biology, both of which i struggled with in high school. in fact, i had to retake bio junior yea because i failed it sophomore year. i also failed my first semester of math senior year & dropped the class. i want to be successful.

i'm afraid that i won't ever be in love.
i find myself being more & more jealous over people who say they've found their "soul mate". just as i was genetically disposed to have green eyes, what if i'm genetically disposed to be spend the rest of my life alone? my parents divorced. my grandparents divorced. i don't want to be part of this pattern. i want to find someone who loves me & has fun with me & takes care of me. i'm sick of feeling like there's a part of me that's drifting around somewhere & i won't be able to recognize it even if i did find it.

i feel lost.
i feel disgusted.
i feel let down.
i feel lonely.

actually...it still has yet to snow. lol.
updates updates updates, here goes.

last night was the parade of lights. i'm sure it was fantastic, but i opted to go out to dinner with my mom, grandma, & aunt & then come home & wrap christmas presents instead. it's entirely too cold for someone like me to sit idly & watch the lights. besides, i had no hot chocolate & no boy to snuggle with. chrissy was working :/. in fact, the last time i went to the parade of lights was when i was in it.

teen miss douglas county 2006 :)
one of the best times of my life.
my daddy drove me down the town with the car covered in twinkle lights, blasting christmas hip hop music, & flashing his hazards, until someone told him to turn them off. hahaha.
my favorite moment: a little girl grabbed her mommy's arm & yelled out "MAMA LOOK! A PRINCESS!"
it was incredible.
i loved being a titleholder, & every so often i debate whether or not to do another pageant.
i currently hold two titles: teen miss douglas county 2006 & little miss photogenic teen 2006.
i thought about going for miss douglas county last year & even teen miss cinderella. stuff like that, but i keep thinking i should just quit while i'm ahead, ya know? lol.

well, what else...i got a gnarly cut on my finger. like i think i almost cut off the tip of it, because the tip is still completely numb. nerve damage anyone? rad.

i've spent over $200 on christmas presesnts so far & i'm anticipating another $200-$300. i want everyone to have the most amazing christmas ever. it's not about the presents, but i know for me, seeing people's face light up over something i gave them is an incredible feeling.

well, i just got called into work. booo. remember, style & smile. ;]
lol name the show.

it's thanksgiving, so let's go around the table & express what we're thankful for.

i'm thankful for my mom.
i've yet to meet anyone in this entire world who is more selfless than her. very few people would support an 18 year old kid in college & not play the overbearing parent card. my mom covers me up when i fall asleep on the couch & she calls me at work just to say hi & she loves me. she tells me when my outfit makes me look skeezy & is still my favorite shopping buddy. she randomly buys me things just to put a smile on my face & brags to all her friends about me. she'd knock someone on their ass if they were ever to say a malicious word about either of her children & wakes me up some mornings with "good morning, miss sarah. mommy loves you." she opens my door early sunday mornings when she doing laundry, because she knows i like the sound of the dryer. she held my hand & my puke bucket when i was sick after my surgery. she laughs at my jokes & sings along to the radio with me. even though i'm almost 19 years old she still has a million cutesy names for me: mommy's munchkin, mini model, angel baby, miss sawah, etc. i can honestly say my mommy is my best friend.

i'm thankful for my dad.
for big portions of my life, he wasn't around. crime scenes, promotions & saving the world were more important, but i don't think for a mili-second that he doesn't love me more than the world. he's my biggest fan at all my performances. at the battle of the models he stood in the front row amongst hoards of teenagers with piercings & funky hair & snapped pictures & yelled & clapped. at my dance recital last year, after not speaking for 4 months, he walked on stage as i was taking my bow & handed me 2 dozen roses, hugged me & simply said, "you're beautiful". i still cry thinking about it. after a play i was in a few years ago, he turned down a job offer that would have paid unbelievably, because he said he "couldn't believe he hadn't known up until then how talented his own daughter was & he needed to be around to see these things." in third grade, i had the lead role of the chicken in that play about the chicken who bakes bread & her friends won't help...you know the one. before my first scene was even done he stood up & clapped super loud & shouted "YAAAAY! THAT'S MY GIRL!" :). he cried at my graduation and at my pageant when i won teen miss douglas county. he's a tough man & has forced me to grow up faster than i ever wanted, but he is nothing if not proud of his daughter & i'm very grateful to have someone who is.

i'm thankful for my grandma.
from the time i was born she was there, playing second mother to a newborn baby after my mom had to go back to work. i'm told that at pre- school i constantly jabbered about my nonnie. she'd buy me happy meals & tcby ice cream after school and we'd talk about everything. to this day we still watch oprah & the price is right together. looking at her, i'm always amazed that a grandma can look like she does & i hope that when i'm her age i'm still hot too. :) she still meticulously does her hair & make up & asks my opinion about her outfit before going out for a night on the town. she's always concerned about my well-being & throughout this second part of my surgery has been the one to wake me up (at ungodly hours) to take my antibiotic. she's the most amazing grandma & she doesn't even have to try.

i'm tankful for my grandpa.
my papa is the funniest man you'll ever meet. i'll never forget the advice he gave me one day after i expressed how irritated & frustrated i was with high school. he said, "sarah, you're too young to be making big things out of little pieces of corn. you have to make a corn dog & enjoy it."hahaha! what?! he's great. he absolutely refuses to let anyone leave his house hungry & finds great passion in cooking up huge meals for everyone & anyone, including jordan's friends that he brings over sometimes. the only lady in his life is the meanest, brattiest little thing ever: cookie, his cat. although his speech is often times riddled with profanities, you'll never find a man who cares more about his family than my papa does. he would drop anything to help you when you need him. it wouldn't matter how sick he was or how busy his day may have gotten, if i call & ask him to bring me lunch, he is right there with a three course meal all bagged & ready to go. he was the first person to teach me how to play keno & still recognizes how lucky i am, allowing me to pick his numbers before he goes to the casino. i love my handyman papa.

i'm thankful for my brother.
jordan and i used to play together for hours & hours as kids. he used to let me dress him up in tutus & make up, much to my father's dismay. when he was younger, he couldn't pronounce his R's & he used to call me "sawah" which i swear was the cutest thing you've ever heard. he'd also call me sissy. he'd say to my mom "mama? where's my sissy?" and follow me around. he was the cutest baby in the whole wide world & i was so stoked when our family was blessed with him. he always had red cheeks and got in trouble at school. when i was in third grade & he was in kindergarten, i used to ask if i could go to the bathroom, just so i could walk by his classroom & check on him. i was constantly worrying about my baby brother & needed to make sure he was alright. i regret that we've grown apart in recent years, but i hope he knows how much i love him. he's the best brother anyone could ever ask for. now that he's getting older & all these little girls are chasing after him, i hope he remembers that i'll always be here, especially when one of those girls breaks his heart...they're in for an ass whoopin. i love my jordy-poo.

i'm thankful for my sister.
genny is the most amazing sister ever. when we were younger, she used to color with me for hours, even if it was a barney coloring book or my little pony. she never complained when i gave her the ugly picture to color, because i was greedy & wanted the prettier one. some of my favorite childhood photos are of her playing with me in our little pool outside. a 10 year age difference never seemed to mean jack, because she always treated me like an equal...probably because half the time, we were the same height. lol. my sissy's tiny. at 5'4", I've surpassed her 5 foot tall frame. i like to think that she's travel size, which would mean she should TRAVEL to come see me! it makes me sad that i haven't seen her since my san francisco trip in july & we rarely talk on the phone due to our conflicting schedules, but i wouldn't give up the times i do have with her for the world.

i'm also thankful for my entire extended family, almost all of whom live in california. my mom doesn't believe me, but one day i'm moving down there to be close to everyone. i know my mama would love to go back home. i'm thankful for my doggies, & my kitties, my bird, & my fish.

who or what are you thankful for?