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you know i can hear every word you scream at the top of your lungs.
Jun. 29th, 2009 | 01:49 am
it's 1:43am when i eventually stumble in the door. the last few hours have been spent driving aimlessly, chain smoking, & feeling annoyed at the sticky feeling my tears leave on my collar bone. my ipod's battery is flashing & i've flipped through most of the 1,029 songs in my library without feeling a connection to any of them. i have yet to fill up my gas tank & the caution light has been on for two days. i have enough cash in my wallet to fill it up 4 or five times, but that small risk that i'll break down is the only adrenaline rush i get these days. the term "numb" comes to mind & i'm reminded of an overly dramatic evanescence song that i used to sing along to loudly in my room while burning incense when i was fifteen. i feel pathetic and wonder what i have left to grasp onto. i'm pushing people away while at the same time, gravitating toward anyone who will give me the time of day. break ups are almost always this devastating, but you never really expect your whole world to come crashing around you with it. it should be as simple as snip snip, he's cut out of your life, but it's not. nothing's ever that simplistic. it's times like these that i resort to bad habits. smoking, failure to eat, hyper-sexuality. it's a comfort to know i've been here before & smiled my way out of it. i'm going to be okay, i know that. that's more than i knew 3 years ago when merciful death seemed the solution. i'm healthier now. i'm more stable. but that's not saying much. i just want to have a reason to wake up in the morning. i want something to smile about & someone to imagine singing my favorite songs to because they make so much more sense.
i want to feel whole again.
PS.
i got a tattoo. i'll explain the story behind it when i'm feeling better.
i want to feel whole again.
PS.
i got a tattoo. i'll explain the story behind it when i'm feeling better.
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forever? always.
Jun. 1st, 2009 | 10:14 pm
i hate to use the word "depressed" because it's thrown around so often and has become so cliche'.
but when something gets to me, i feel it all over. it's as if my heart can't take all of it & depends on the rest of my body to absorb it's portion of the shock. i get headaches, i get dizzy, i feel sore all over, i zone out, i have trouble breathing. i wonder if there is a name for that, like a medical term.
i broke down last night. these freak outs & panic attacks are becoming more & more frequent.
i took a short stroll down memory lane which then turned into fast paced jog and eventually a voyage....sorry that was lame, let me elaborate:
myspace has been annoying the shit out of me telling me i have 51 unread messages hiding somewhere in my inbox. so i spent three hours going through them to find these mysterious 51 messages. along the way, i found messages from as far back as 2006 that brought back so many memories & so many feelings. just looking back at how much i screwed up and didn't even realize at the moment broke my heart. there's this boy. you haven't been introduced to him yet & at this point i'm too scared to tell you who he is on the off chance that he reads this...i can't handle the rejection. basically, this boy pulled out every flaw that i had, pointed them out, & then told me he loved me regardless. he told he loved me & that he always would. i realize now that i put him through way more than i should. the world was against us being together. his friends, my friends, my age, his plans; they were all out of sync and none would permit us to get past the "i love you but..." phase. for the past year i decided out of sight out of mind would get me through the most recent break up & until last night it did. but then i saw him. i read his messages from years ago & couldn't help but wonder if they still rang true.
when people say forever, can they honestly mean it?
not like, i question if he lied, but can you say "i'll always love you" with no uncertainty, that regardless of who comes into or out of your life, you will always maintain that feeling? ugh.
he may never see this & i don't know if i ever want him to but:
"i love you. i can't help but see that i never stopped loving you. if given one last opportunity, i know that we'd be perfect together. i want to be in your life to support you & know that you're loved. i want to hold your hand & keep you safe. i miss you joking with me & laughing at my stupidities. i miss that feeling of pride when people talked about how gorgeous my boy was. i know your heart is taken, but mine is yours if you ever wish to take it."
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these are a few of my favorite things.
Mar. 25th, 2009 | 06:19 pm
* face paint.
* animals who look like their smiling.
* carousels.
* castles.
* playing dress up.
* wearing costume jewelry out & about.
* pretty colors.
* seeing old couples holding hands.
* hello kitty.
* baby animals.
* old fashion ice cream cones.
* cupcakes.
* finger paint.
* having my picture taken.
* tiny stuffed animals.
* kiddie food.
* when people make silly faces.
* winks.
* ballerina musical jewelry boxes.
& from now on, i'm not letting anyone take these things away from me. i may be 19, but i DO NOT have to give up things that make me happy. some people hate anyone who finds joy in little things. i simply don't care. i'm not letting anyone [especially bitchy ass boys] break my spirit & give up the little things that make me me. :)
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i don't believe in science; just love, sex, & music.
Mar. 23rd, 2009 | 12:06 am
To me, nineteen years feels so old. It's almost 2 decades: 20 years.
It took 20 years for Watchmen to become a movie.
It took 20 years to build the first Deathstar.
It took 20 years for Dale Earnhardt to win the Daytona 500.
It took 20 years for Jonathon Gould to finish the Beatles' biography.
but in [nearly] 20 years I've learned but a few small lessons:
>>you can't give your heart to someone & expect to get the whole thing back.
>>too much cookie dough = a tummy ache.
>>a girl should never have to make a decision when it comes to shoes; my daddy always told me "why not just get both?"
>>you can drink away the breakup but in the morning you're still broken up & you're throwing up.
>>even 6 years after your first kiss, you'll still do the awkward nose bump from time to time.
>>realizing that what you have is so much more fulfilling than wishing for what you don't.
>>always give change to homeless people... even if everyone around you disapproves.
>>men. chocolate. coffee. some things are just better rich & strong.
>>picking flowers will always make me feel like a murderer.
>>don't ever visit disneyland with someone you don't love; the happiest place on earth should not be tainted.
>>not every kiss will be magical but the depressingly long time in between the ones that aren't & the ones that are make growing up worth it.
>>people will smile at you but secretly pray that you trip & fall on your pretty face.
>>table tops, roadways, backseats: dance EVERYWHERE [oh & sing loudly].
>>don't walk. strut.
It took 20 years for Watchmen to become a movie.
It took 20 years to build the first Deathstar.
It took 20 years for Dale Earnhardt to win the Daytona 500.
It took 20 years for Jonathon Gould to finish the Beatles' biography.
but in [nearly] 20 years I've learned but a few small lessons:
>>you can't give your heart to someone & expect to get the whole thing back.
>>too much cookie dough = a tummy ache.
>>a girl should never have to make a decision when it comes to shoes; my daddy always told me "why not just get both?"
>>you can drink away the breakup but in the morning you're still broken up & you're throwing up.
>>even 6 years after your first kiss, you'll still do the awkward nose bump from time to time.
>>realizing that what you have is so much more fulfilling than wishing for what you don't.
>>always give change to homeless people... even if everyone around you disapproves.
>>men. chocolate. coffee. some things are just better rich & strong.
>>picking flowers will always make me feel like a murderer.
>>don't ever visit disneyland with someone you don't love; the happiest place on earth should not be tainted.
>>not every kiss will be magical but the depressingly long time in between the ones that aren't & the ones that are make growing up worth it.
>>people will smile at you but secretly pray that you trip & fall on your pretty face.
>>table tops, roadways, backseats: dance EVERYWHERE [oh & sing loudly].
>>don't walk. strut.
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sometimes girls need girls.
Mar. 16th, 2009 | 08:05 pm
mary came to visit me this weekend. everything that could have possibly gone wrong did & i loved every second of it. we tried to get her a new phone at the sprint store & that failed epically. first, we couldn't find the damn place & my gps on my iphone had us driving aimlessly around washoe valley looking for "the ramp". by the time we finally got to the place, the guy told us that he couldn't issue her a new phone without the owner of the account's presence. so mary tried calling her mom to get verbal permission but the sprint dude wouldn't accept it. super lame. we also tried to get a simple manicure. one stinking mani! we wanted to paint our nails super bright green for st. patrick's day. every place we went to wouldn't take us because they were booked or too busy or closed. seriously? we didn't even want acryllic or anything, just paint. then we tried to get mary two more holes in her right ear. we attempted to go to spearme because it's had such a great reputation but the guy wasn't even there! why wouldn't you do piercings on a saturday?? sheesh. saturday night we planned to go to the greenlight party at the underground, but were distracted by a party at heather's & simply never got around to it. it reminded me of all the planning & scheming we did as kids that never worked out the way we wanted.
today i had to put my best friend on a plane to texas & watch her walk away yet again. every time she visits & has to leave again i feel again like i did five years ago when she got on the bus & i didn't see her again for a year & a half.
since she left, i've yet to make another best friend. i haven't found anyone i can talk to everything about. i haven't found anyone who i can hang out with everyday & not get sick of. i haven't found anyone who makes me laugh as hard & i haven't found anyone quite like my best friend. in fact i haven't even been able to make a good girl friend who hasn't hurt me, betrayed me, lied to me, or ditched me. and let me tell you, it sucks. i really want someone who i can have sleepovers with & do each other's hair & nails & go shopping & cook together. i love my boys with all my heart but sometimes being "one of the guys" when you're a 19 year old girl, sucks.
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she talks about you like you put the stars in the sky.
Feb. 28th, 2009 | 10:38 pm
my current addiction is counting calories.
i try to stay under 500 each day.
i learned that i burn 350 calories when i roller skate for a half hour.
i've been skating everyday for 30 minutes- an hour.
i want to break necks at the beach this year.
i've felt terrible lately.
for about the past month i've felt on the verge of serious illness. i don't know what's wrong with me but i feel dizzy and disoriented a lot. sometimes i'll be at work & i'll feel like the whole world just shifted slightly to the left & i lose my balance. i have constant headaches and i'm cranky a lot. sometimes i just want to cry & cry & cry & other times i feel on top of the world. some nights i come home from school or work late at night & i just sit on the couch & cry. for the past week, every time i stand up, i get searing pain through my head & neck. i wake up every morning still exhausted and sore all over. my neck feels so stiff all the time. i'm coughing a lot, but that could be due to my increased cigarette intake. my middle of the night breakdowns are well-tolerated by those around me, because they, luckily, are never around to witness them. i feel like i'm alone over 50% of the time because i keep such weird hours; my days start around noon & end at somewhere around 2. i have serious insomnia...sometimes i go grocery shopping in the middle of the night just because i feel so lonely while everyone else is sleeping & i'm still wide awake. i feel like i haven't seen my mom in weeks even though we live in the same house. by the time i wake up, she's already gone to work & by the time she gets home, i'm already off to work or school & by the time i get home, she's asleep. things feel so overwhelming right now.
what's so overwhelming?
school.
i feel like i'm behind. i feel like i'm not giving 100%, but at the same time i feel like it's all i do. i want my teachers to be proud & more importantly for my parents to be proud. but i have no motivation and no inspiration. it all just feels like too much.
work.
i swear, i work my ass off to keep everything running and go beyond my job description everyday. but for a mere $165 every other week, it just doesn't seem worth it. i come home smelling like cakes and good smelling stuff, but even that smell is starting to make me sick. i need to get out of there but i can't afford to right now. yeah, i still have my lifeguard job at the pool where i make almost double the money, but i have no hours there right now.
family.
my parents have been fighting a lot. i thought divorces were supposed to eliminate that. i hate when they argue through me or tell me to tell the other one something and i hate when they say mean things about each other.
but you know there's always a silver lining...there's a boy.
& he's kinda sorta amazingly incredible. :)
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i'm on the edge of mount breakdown & i don't want to jump.
Feb. 10th, 2009 | 11:40 pm
you know that feeling right before something unbelievably incredible happens, where you kinda want to squeal & cry at the same time? it's very much similar to the feeling you get right before you hear the tone of breakup in the love of your life's voice & you want to scream & cry at the same time. they should be opposite feelings but really...they're not. in both scenarios, your body is telling you not to get overly emotional, because it (whatever it is) may or may not happen, but in your heart of hearts, you know.
i believe the term is overly emotional. it's like PMS but all the time. i keep going from happy, careless, & free to miserable, weepy, & trapped. i go from motivated to defeated within seconds. even as i write this, i'm contemplating exiting out & just curling up on the couch & having myself a good cry. this town is starting to give me a major case of claustrophobia. yet, some days, the thought of leaving scares the hell out of me. i've been smoking more cigarettes lately & watching more 3am infomercials & crying because the salespeople seem so fucking happy over their magic bullet blender. i want my magic bullet to make me that happy...yes, i own one. yet in the same breath, i've also been driving around the block three or four times before i go home just to sing & dance along to the radio. i've been spending extra time on my hair & nails & remembering people's birthdays.
i'm a piping hot bowl of crazy.
this blog is all over the place. my english teacher (who has made it abundantly clear that she thinks i'm a giant waste of talent) would nitpick the hell out of this with her stupid red pen.
i'm going to let various bits of photography that i've found speak for me.
i think i'll take that cry now.
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performance resume.
Feb. 6th, 2009 | 07:58 pm
[this is to be referenced in response to my myspace blog found at: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuse
Performance Resume'
Sarah Pabon
Dance/Theatre/Model/Voice
ohsarahface@hotmail.com
myspace.com/whatsarahsaid_xo
Objective: As a lifelong performer, I hope to expand my experience in hopes of obtaining a career in one of my favored fields: dance, music, theatre, and modeling.
Performance Education:
Dance Workshop Performing Arts Center: 1994-2008.
-Under the direction of Ann Peterson, Vicki Brockhage, Katie (married name unknown), & Caitlin Papp.
-Studies in tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, lyrical, voice, theatre, and stage make up (gore, prosthetics,
Douglas High School Theatre:
-Drama Class/ Tiger On-Stage Theatre Company: 2006-2007
-Under the direction of James Darby Scoggins
-Studies in stage fighting, theatrical make up, acting.
New York City Dance Alliance
-Tap & Jazz Convention in San Jose, CA: 2003
Teams
Douglas High School Cheer 2004-2005
Douglas High School Danceline 2006-2007
Dance Workshop Competition Team
Performances:
- Dance:
* Annual Recital - Caesar's Lake Tahoe, CA 1993-2000 & Carson City Community Center 2000-2008
* Headliners Dance Competition: Reno, NV 1998
* Headliners Dance Competition: Carson City, NV 2000
* Disney Magic Music Days: Disneyland, CA 2003
* Las Vegas Dance Competition : Las Vegas, NV 2006
* Douglas High School Danceline Halftime Shows
-Theatre:
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red and the Riding Hoods" under the direction of Annalyse Klekar. -Character: Hood [2007]
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red Riding Hood" under the direction of Desiree Davis -Character: Little Red Riding Hood [2007]
* "Nutcracked" under the direction of Ann Peters. (character varied by night) [2007]
* "Charleston" under the direction of Ann Peters -Character: The Duchess of Milford [2008]
-Modeling:
* Rockstar Modeling Competition [1st Round: 1st place; 5th overall]
* Rockstar & Kila Clothing Model. Photographed by Brittany Johnson of Up & Away Photography
* Carson Valley Cruisers Classic Car Model
*Douglas County's Little Miss Photogenic Teen 2006
* Work for Independent Photographer, Casey Cotter: Casey Chaos Photography
-Other:
* Teen Miss Douglas County 2006
Sarah Pabon
Dance/Theatre/Model/Voice
ohsarahface@hotmail.com
myspace.com/whatsarahsaid_xo
Objective: As a lifelong performer, I hope to expand my experience in hopes of obtaining a career in one of my favored fields: dance, music, theatre, and modeling.
Performance Education:
Dance Workshop Performing Arts Center: 1994-2008.
-Under the direction of Ann Peterson, Vicki Brockhage, Katie (married name unknown), & Caitlin Papp.
-Studies in tap, jazz, ballet, hip hop, lyrical, voice, theatre, and stage make up (gore, prosthetics,
Douglas High School Theatre:
-Drama Class/ Tiger On-Stage Theatre Company: 2006-2007
-Under the direction of James Darby Scoggins
-Studies in stage fighting, theatrical make up, acting.
New York City Dance Alliance
-Tap & Jazz Convention in San Jose, CA: 2003
Teams
Douglas High School Cheer 2004-2005
Douglas High School Danceline 2006-2007
Dance Workshop Competition Team
Performances:
- Dance:
* Annual Recital - Caesar's Lake Tahoe, CA 1993-2000 & Carson City Community Center 2000-2008
* Headliners Dance Competition: Reno, NV 1998
* Headliners Dance Competition: Carson City, NV 2000
* Disney Magic Music Days: Disneyland, CA 2003
* Las Vegas Dance Competition : Las Vegas, NV 2006
* Douglas High School Danceline Halftime Shows
-Theatre:
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red and the Riding Hoods" under the direction of Annalyse Klekar. -Character: Hood [2007]
* Douglas High School Performance of "Little Red Riding Hood" under the direction of Desiree Davis -Character: Little Red Riding Hood [2007]
* "Nutcracked" under the direction of Ann Peters. (character varied by night) [2007]
* "Charleston" under the direction of Ann Peters -Character: The Duchess of Milford [2008]
-Modeling:
* Rockstar Modeling Competition [1st Round: 1st place; 5th overall]
* Rockstar & Kila Clothing Model. Photographed by Brittany Johnson of Up & Away Photography
* Carson Valley Cruisers Classic Car Model
*Douglas County's Little Miss Photogenic Teen 2006
* Work for Independent Photographer, Casey Cotter: Casey Chaos Photography
-Other:
* Teen Miss Douglas County 2006
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birthday princess.
Jan. 28th, 2009 | 10:32 pm
i started my day, spending entirely too much time getting ready, & went with a bold hip hugging sweater dress & knee high boots with fishnet stockings...which turned out to be retardedly uncomfortable for the day i had planned, lol. chris came over in the morning & had the most beautiful pink rose & a little pig that you squeeze & it oinks & says i love you :)
it's finally starting to die & i really wish it would stop :(
then i went out to olive garden for lunch with my family & chris. i got whistled at as i walked in the restaurant & that pretty much made my day, haha. my family gave me presents tooo :D. my brother gave me some calendar & planners & journals. my grandpa gave me cash (way to go papa :D). my grandma gave me gossip girl season 1 on dvd. & my mom gave me a tempurpedic pillow. mmm, iloveit!! at the end of lunch, the waiters sang me happy birthday & brought out a cake that my mom had had made for me. it was beautiful, with white frosting, with pink ribbon frosting going around it, & topped with a princess crown & "happy birthday, princess sarah" written in pink on top. unfortunately, i didn't get a chance to take a picture before it was cut.
then i went shopping with chris...one of my favorite things in the world. unfortunately, chris made it pretty obvious that he didn't want to be there :/ so, i hurried as much as i could. i bought a new pair of jeans from wet seal that i love & a really cute pink sweatshirt from victoria's secret's pink line.
cute huh?
& i got the cutest hello kitty hair bow at upper deck with pink rhinestones all over it. it's so me, it's ridiculous.
after that i went home to change & pack a bag for the night. i had planned to go to a rave in reno called peace & then stay up there.
so we went to carson to johnny's to meet up with everybody, we walked in the door, & SURPRISE! my boys had thrown me a surprise party. seriously, it was so cute.
they decorated EVERYTHING with pink & black streamers [& i really do mean everything...vacuum, bannister, doors, hahha] later on, they turned out the lights & had me blow out the candles on the cutest little starwberry shortcake cake ever, that johnny & dana made me. i wanted to cry it was so sweet.
even the little candles had polka dots on them. those kids know me so well :D
cutting my cake :)
there was soo much alcohol but i didn't really drink. i had plans to celebrate mine & my dad's birthdays the next day. plus by the end of the night i really didn't know many people there, john had taken off walking around drunkenly (lmao) & i guess some people were jumping on josh's car? i passed out in sam's room on the floor. lol.
it was such a great birthday & i am so grateful that my friends remembered & care enough about me to want to make my birthday special. I LOVE YOU GUYS, MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!
the next day, i went to reno with my dad, step mom, & step sister, brenda. we went shopping, out to dinner at the outback, & then went to the movies to see paul blart. cute. kinda lame, but cute. my step parents gave me a $25 visa card & i gave my dad a cd of me singing "a whole new world" from aladdin & "butterfly kisses". songs from my childhood :]
happy birthday to meeeee :D
UPDATE:
oh & how could i forget?
heather made this for me out of frosting on a piece of wax paper :) sooo cute.
then kevin ruined it with a big giant frosting penis! lmao :D
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tonight i feel scared.
Jan. 5th, 2009 | 11:13 pm
i want people in my life so bad. lots of people. i want a close circle of friends. but i come with too much baggage. i feel like people look at me and just see a train wreck. they see drama & chaos. i feel like before people even know me in depth, they see the things i've done, the people i've associated with, and the facade. i just want someone to sit on the floor with me, with a cup of coffee & a pack of cigarettes & just talk to me for hours. have you seen elizabethtown? where orlando bloom & kirsten dunst talk on the phone the entire night then meet each other halfway in the middle of a highway, talking on their cells the whole way. i want that. just sit down & let's share our life stories.
i'm afraid that i've set the bar too high educationally.
i received a 3.75 gpa for the fall semester. i was stoked & happy for a few days. then i picked out my spring semester classes. now i'm afraid that i won't be able to do as well this semester & my parents won't be proud of me. my mom said as long as i try my best she'll be proud but honestly, what parent would be proud of a 1.0, ya know? i'm taking math & biology, both of which i struggled with in high school. in fact, i had to retake bio junior yea because i failed it sophomore year. i also failed my first semester of math senior year & dropped the class. i want to be successful.
i'm afraid that i won't ever be in love.
i find myself being more & more jealous over people who say they've found their "soul mate". just as i was genetically disposed to have green eyes, what if i'm genetically disposed to be spend the rest of my life alone? my parents divorced. my grandparents divorced. i don't want to be part of this pattern. i want to find someone who loves me & has fun with me & takes care of me. i'm sick of feeling like there's a part of me that's drifting around somewhere & i won't be able to recognize it even if i did find it.
i feel lost.
i feel disgusted.
i feel let down.
i feel lonely.
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oh the weather outside is frightful.
Dec. 7th, 2008 | 12:14 pm
updates updates updates, here goes.
last night was the parade of lights. i'm sure it was fantastic, but i opted to go out to dinner with my mom, grandma, & aunt & then come home & wrap christmas presents instead. it's entirely too cold for someone like me to sit idly & watch the lights. besides, i had no hot chocolate & no boy to snuggle with. chrissy was working :/. in fact, the last time i went to the parade of lights was when i was in it.
teen miss douglas county 2006 :)
one of the best times of my life.
my daddy drove me down the town with the car covered in twinkle lights, blasting christmas hip hop music, & flashing his hazards, until someone told him to turn them off. hahaha.
my favorite moment: a little girl grabbed her mommy's arm & yelled out "MAMA LOOK! A PRINCESS!"
it was incredible.
i loved being a titleholder, & every so often i debate whether or not to do another pageant.
i currently hold two titles: teen miss douglas county 2006 & little miss photogenic teen 2006.
i thought about going for miss douglas county last year & even teen miss cinderella. stuff like that, but i keep thinking i should just quit while i'm ahead, ya know? lol.
well, what else...i got a gnarly cut on my finger. like i think i almost cut off the tip of it, because the tip is still completely numb. nerve damage anyone? rad.
i've spent over $200 on christmas presesnts so far & i'm anticipating another $200-$300. i want everyone to have the most amazing christmas ever. it's not about the presents, but i know for me, seeing people's face light up over something i gave them is an incredible feeling.
well, i just got called into work. booo. remember, style & smile. ;]
lol name the show.
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you saw this coming.
Nov. 27th, 2008 | 02:06 am
i'm thankful for my mom.
i've yet to meet anyone in this entire world who is more selfless than her. very few people would support an 18 year old kid in college & not play the overbearing parent card. my mom covers me up when i fall asleep on the couch & she calls me at work just to say hi & she loves me. she tells me when my outfit makes me look skeezy & is still my favorite shopping buddy. she randomly buys me things just to put a smile on my face & brags to all her friends about me. she'd knock someone on their ass if they were ever to say a malicious word about either of her children & wakes me up some mornings with "good morning, miss sarah. mommy loves you." she opens my door early sunday mornings when she doing laundry, because she knows i like the sound of the dryer. she held my hand & my puke bucket when i was sick after my surgery. she laughs at my jokes & sings along to the radio with me. even though i'm almost 19 years old she still has a million cutesy names for me: mommy's munchkin, mini model, angel baby, miss sawah, etc. i can honestly say my mommy is my best friend.
i'm thankful for my dad.
for big portions of my life, he wasn't around. crime scenes, promotions & saving the world were more important, but i don't think for a mili-second that he doesn't love me more than the world. he's my biggest fan at all my performances. at the battle of the models he stood in the front row amongst hoards of teenagers with piercings & funky hair & snapped pictures & yelled & clapped. at my dance recital last year, after not speaking for 4 months, he walked on stage as i was taking my bow & handed me 2 dozen roses, hugged me & simply said, "you're beautiful". i still cry thinking about it. after a play i was in a few years ago, he turned down a job offer that would have paid unbelievably, because he said he "couldn't believe he hadn't known up until then how talented his own daughter was & he needed to be around to see these things." in third grade, i had the lead role of the chicken in that play about the chicken who bakes bread & her friends won't help...you know the one. before my first scene was even done he stood up & clapped super loud & shouted "YAAAAY! THAT'S MY GIRL!" :). he cried at my graduation and at my pageant when i won teen miss douglas county. he's a tough man & has forced me to grow up faster than i ever wanted, but he is nothing if not proud of his daughter & i'm very grateful to have someone who is.
i'm thankful for my grandma.
from the time i was born she was there, playing second mother to a newborn baby after my mom had to go back to work. i'm told that at pre- school i constantly jabbered about my nonnie. she'd buy me happy meals & tcby ice cream after school and we'd talk about everything. to this day we still watch oprah & the price is right together. looking at her, i'm always amazed that a grandma can look like she does & i hope that when i'm her age i'm still hot too. :) she still meticulously does her hair & make up & asks my opinion about her outfit before going out for a night on the town. she's always concerned about my well-being & throughout this second part of my surgery has been the one to wake me up (at ungodly hours) to take my antibiotic. she's the most amazing grandma & she doesn't even have to try.
i'm tankful for my grandpa.
my papa is the funniest man you'll ever meet. i'll never forget the advice he gave me one day after i expressed how irritated & frustrated i was with high school. he said, "sarah, you're too young to be making big things out of little pieces of corn. you have to make a corn dog & enjoy it."hahaha! what?! he's great. he absolutely refuses to let anyone leave his house hungry & finds great passion in cooking up huge meals for everyone & anyone, including jordan's friends that he brings over sometimes. the only lady in his life is the meanest, brattiest little thing ever: cookie, his cat. although his speech is often times riddled with profanities, you'll never find a man who cares more about his family than my papa does. he would drop anything to help you when you need him. it wouldn't matter how sick he was or how busy his day may have gotten, if i call & ask him to bring me lunch, he is right there with a three course meal all bagged & ready to go. he was the first person to teach me how to play keno & still recognizes how lucky i am, allowing me to pick his numbers before he goes to the casino. i love my handyman papa.
i'm thankful for my brother.
jordan and i used to play together for hours & hours as kids. he used to let me dress him up in tutus & make up, much to my father's dismay. when he was younger, he couldn't pronounce his R's & he used to call me "sawah" which i swear was the cutest thing you've ever heard. he'd also call me sissy. he'd say to my mom "mama? where's my sissy?" and follow me around. he was the cutest baby in the whole wide world & i was so stoked when our family was blessed with him. he always had red cheeks and got in trouble at school. when i was in third grade & he was in kindergarten, i used to ask if i could go to the bathroom, just so i could walk by his classroom & check on him. i was constantly worrying about my baby brother & needed to make sure he was alright. i regret that we've grown apart in recent years, but i hope he knows how much i love him. he's the best brother anyone could ever ask for. now that he's getting older & all these little girls are chasing after him, i hope he remembers that i'll always be here, especially when one of those girls breaks his heart...they're in for an ass whoopin. i love my jordy-poo.
i'm thankful for my sister.
genny is the most amazing sister ever. when we were younger, she used to color with me for hours, even if it was a barney coloring book or my little pony. she never complained when i gave her the ugly picture to color, because i was greedy & wanted the prettier one. some of my favorite childhood photos are of her playing with me in our little pool outside. a 10 year age difference never seemed to mean jack, because she always treated me like an equal...probably because half the time, we were the same height. lol. my sissy's tiny. at 5'4", I've surpassed her 5 foot tall frame. i like to think that she's travel size, which would mean she should TRAVEL to come see me! it makes me sad that i haven't seen her since my san francisco trip in july & we rarely talk on the phone due to our conflicting schedules, but i wouldn't give up the times i do have with her for the world.
i'm also thankful for my entire extended family, almost all of whom live in california. my mom doesn't believe me, but one day i'm moving down there to be close to everyone. i know my mama would love to go back home. i'm thankful for my doggies, & my kitties, my bird, & my fish.
who or what are you thankful for?
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baby, do you love me?
Nov. 20th, 2008 | 08:34 pm
i'm absolutely in love with these cupcake stud earrings by juicy couture. $78.
how freakin cute is this? :D pave bow ring $78.
it's kinda boring on the front, but on the back it says, sharing is in season PINK. by victoria's secret for $44.50.
with these. also by VS for $44.50
& of course...
i've already dropped hints about the iphone to my mom, & my dad. i'll be interested to see if either of them are down, because both seemed interested. hm :)
chris is two hours late. i hate him right now. asshole.
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the airforce is taking him away :[
Nov. 19th, 2008 | 08:14 pm
BUT...silver lining: they put him on this special diet that supposed to make you lose 10 lbs in 3 days! further proof that the military know lots of secrets that us civilians don't. haha. so i'm going to do it with him...i'll keep you posted on how i do :D
i guess i'll admit it.
i'm proud of him.
i'll play the proud airforce girlfriend role.
or airforce friend role...i don't know right now.
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i feel 14 again.
Nov. 16th, 2008 | 01:21 am
do you remember when you're younger and you're still at that point where only a handful of your friends have cars and you feel too cool to hang out at their parents' houses and no one's living on their own yet? lately, i feel like i'm right back there. i've always had older friends so while everyone else was riding the bus to school, i always had friends who i could talk into driving me, and while everyone would get stoked that their parents' were out of town so they could throw a party, i shrugged it off because most of my friends had their own places and we could party there whenever the mood should strike us. but the past month or so, it seems the economy is really taking a shit on everybody. everyone and their pet dog is moving back home with their parents and giving up on frivolous activities that we no longer need. i'm amongst the lucky ones. i chose to stay home after high school, not feeling that i was ready to be without my mom. she takes care of all my bills, pays for my gas when i need it, and all she asks is that i go to school full time. which is fine with me. going to school full time means i also get to stay on my parents' insurance. not to mention, i don't have to put up with all the negative things that so many kids my age do that live at home. my mom doesn't mind me coming and going as i please. she asks that i let her know where i'm going and if i'll be coming home that night. she doesn't even ask that i work, but i do to support my expensive taste.
so why am i bringing all this up? because this weekend has been great and it reminded me of the times when fun was not complicated and making things to do out of nothing on the weekends. the times when all that matters is being around your friends, and as long as they're there you'll be just find. this weekend, there were no parties and there was no drama. this weekend, it was just me and my boys going with the flow and traveling wherever the wind should take us.
on friday, i got up at 9 o'clock to go eat breakfast with my grandpa. it was great because i hadn't eaten a full meal that didn't consist of soup and yogurt in a week. my grandpa loves to cook and loves to see people enjoy his cooking...i'm more than happy to oblige, lol :D. then i went home to shower and take a nap before chris came over. the night before he had gone to a midnight showing of the new 007 movie for work and he had promised that on friday, he would make sure he planned something fun for us to do. so around 2.30, he picked me up and we drove out to markleeville to buy scratchers & lotto tickets. i won $75 on my scratcher...chris didn't win shit. lol. so to celebrate, i took him out to lunch in tahoe at the tahoe pizza company. it's incredible. yum. we went home and i helped my mom with these little gingerbread men that she's making for a craft fair. i told her that saturday morning, i would wake up and go to this craft fair at stewart. then i spent the rest of the evening working on my stupid research paper for my political science class.
but i woke up saturday morning around 10 to a phone call from chris. i had no idea why my mom hadn't woken me up for the craft fair but i went into her room and she was still asleep. highly unusual for her. apparently at some point in the middle of the night, she decided she didn't want to do the craft fair because she wanted to keep making more of the gingerbread men for the big craft fair at douglas in december. lol. whatever. so around 11.30, chris & nick picked me up & we went up to tahoe. we checked the lotto tickets we had bought the day before. i won $3. then i found a lotto ticket on the ground, had it checked & won another $10 :) i'm super lucky..once again chris didn't win shit...neither did nick. lol. then we went to burger lounge and gorged ourselves on unhealthy food. after that we went on a hike, nick caught a fish with his bare hands...very bear grylls. lol. then we smoked & watched nick try to start a fire. he's all into this outdoorsy stuff right now because he took a survival class (& got lost in the woods)...lmao. on the way down the mountain, back to the valley, i got car sick like no other. so chris & i went back to my house & took a nap to end all naps. lol. we woke up at almost 7pm & went to best buy to buy the new katt williams dvd, pimpin' pimpin'. freaking watch it! so fucking funny. my mom, grandma, chris, carla & i all cracked up for a good 2 hours. after that i started working on my research paper & i just finished before i started writing this :)
all that might have sounded lame to you, but really, i had a great & simple weekend. ♥
i'll have lots of picture for this entry tomorrow for you to enjoy. lol.
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the amazing thing about being out of high school.
Nov. 13th, 2008 | 12:09 am
i love coming & going as i please. tonight was one of the greatest nights i've had in a really long time.
chris & i left to pick up nick from work around 9 & hung out at indigo where he works for a while. indigo is this great little restaurant that has pretty much anything you can think of. he brought us a drink while we were waiting & we chilled on the patio. as we're pulling away in the car to take him home, i loudly proclaim LET'S FUCKING DO SOMETHING! i was restless as always & couldn't stand the thought of watching tv at home for another night. sooo, we got some sparks & a pint of jack & headed to the park to play frisbee. haha. apparently, i'm the worst frisbee player in the history of the world. i think i caught the damn thing once & when i finally got the hang of throwing it, i threw it as i hard as i could...right into nick's face. lmao. i felt absolutely awful, but he was good humored about it. the game was pretty much over by then & we went into the car, smoked cigarettes, sipped our drinks, & shot the shit.
i think we talked about everything.
i loved every moment with those boys. nick's great. i haven't hung out with him in soo long & i'd forgotten how much we have in common. it feels good to have another friend. he & i are both too big for this town, we're going to be something impressive & something that will evoke the WOW factor....trust me. tomorrow, we might go to 88 cups & make him a myspace. he needs one, i mean c'mon...it's 2008, we are literally labeled the myspace generation! haha.
this probably sounded incredibly lame to you, but i'm going to fall asleep with a smile on my face :D
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after close analyzation.
Nov. 11th, 2008 | 10:44 pm
alice in wonderland
race car driver
dorothy
&...whatever this is.
i wish i had dressed up. i ordered a pirate costume online that never came. :/ hm. it's november 11...i guess it's time to move on.
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soup, ice, & no more teefs.
Nov. 9th, 2008 | 09:42 pm
day one: i woke up actually not scared at all. in fact i laughed & joked with my mom all the way up the oral surgeon's office in north carson. i joked about getting stuck in the elevator in the building & even about the paper work that i had to sign. i joked right up until they called my name to come in to see the surgeon. then i was terrified. i shook & stuttered but luckily they moved things along quickly. right away they hooked me up to a pulse & heart monitor, got the IV in me & put the laughing gas administer in my nose. that made me think the bleeps on the machines were funny. then...i was sleepy bye. i woke up a half hour later all done & numb. it felt like two minutes. i love laughing gas. makes your whole body feel good :). they pack your mouth with gauze because at that point you're bleeding a lot & then wheel your happy ass out in a wheel chair. i was kinda out of it & loopy & kept asking my mom stupid questions. my mom was so worried, i felt bad. she rushed home to change my gauze because i was bleeding through. so she put me to bed & changed my gauze then rushed to the store to fill my prescription. i got an antibiotic & vicodin. whoot. i really couldn't eat at all but i was forced to choke down some yogurt so my medications wouldn't make me sick. laying in bed was the worst. i was stir crazy but at the same time, so tired & unable to really move. plus, i had to sit up, i wasn't allowed to lay flat. that hurt my neck a lot :/. i had to ice my face for 20 minutes on then 20 minutes off. so annoying. i slept a lot, took my meds on time. nothing too horrible.
day two:friday, i made my way from the bed to the couch...crawling. i was allowed to shower but my mom made my grandma stay in the room because i was so weak. i had absolutely no appetite & would randomly pass out from all the medication. i also finally started swelling, whereas i hadn't whatsoever on thursday. by friday night, my face was huge. chris finally came to visit me when he got off work around 9, but didn't stay very long. i layed in bed with him & watched tv & fell asleep before he left. i woke up around 11:30 in horrible horrible pain & popped a vicodin as fast as i could...on an empty stomach. i spent the rest of the night waking up every couple hours & throwing up. it was awful, because i could barely open my mouth more than a couple centimeters & because i hadn't eaten, i was throwing up pure stomach bile. green, painful liquid. it sucked so hard & made my jaw ache from being forced open. i had to call my mom on her cell phone because i couldn't get out of bed & she ran from her room to mine with a bucket & some water. i had to rinse my mouth with salt water every time i'd throw up.
day three: because i had thrown up my last pain pill, i woke up the next morning around 7 in more pain than i had been in the entire time. i begged my mom to give me anything (except more vicodin) to make me feel better. she called the doctor's 24 hour emergency line...he never returned her call. so we called the local pharmacist who said to try ibeuprofin. i was pissed, you know like, i'm in the most pain i've ever been in in my entire life & you want me to take something slightly stronger than baby tylenol?! well, 400mg of advil did the trick. it brought the swelling down, made me less drowsy, & had me walking around the house by 3:30 in the afternoon. chris came over around 2:30 & ate dinner with my family...bbq ribs. how cruel. at this point i was still having trouble choking down the noodles in soup. so while everyone else feasted, i heated up yet another bowl of campbell's & slurped at it resentfully. chris went out & bought me some cake batter ben & jerry's [which might actually be yummier than cold stone's...shhh!] & i played 20 questions with my aunt, uncle, grandma, mom, chris, & my grandma's friend carla. so funny :) unfortunately after that, i had to go lay down because the laughing had made my jaw sore :/
day four:today, the swelling went down a bit but the bruising came one. my hand is bruised up where the IV was & my entire right side of my jaw line is black & blue. i have deep, dark circles under my eyes & i;m still pretty weak. i was so determined to get out of the house today. chris finally got a job @ the galaxy theatre so he took me to see zack & miri make a porno. it's hella funny, i highly recommend it. but by the time we got out, i was exhausted & weak. after sitting for so long, it was hard to walk straight & so i kept grabbing onto chris' arm. his response? "why are you like, clinging to me?" before pushing me off...what an asshole. we stopped at qdoba & i bought chris a burrito & myself some tortilla soup. i ate a few bites, but it was too chunky. the effort was entirely too much so i didn't even finnish it. we stopped at wal mart on the way out. i looked at make up & purses while chris argued with his mom on my phone. coming home sucked though. i called my dad & he more lectured me on going out than anything, claiming that i had "set my recovery back a day". well shit. excuse me for being stir crazy. i'm up to 600mg on ibeuprofin and i'm still hurting. i'm definitely ready for this to be over :(.
now, i'm watching 'vegas' most adult shows or something on the travel channel. all these places are the same. i just want to get out of the house for a real night out without a lecture or being checked up on. my mom still won't let me drive because she thinks i'm too out of it. i'm sick of looking ugly & chubby & i'm sick of not eating. blehhhhhhhhhh.
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sushi, elections, & cake.
Nov. 5th, 2008 | 07:31 pm
barack's proud of me too.
lol.
today went by super fast. my brother woke me up a little after 9 because he needed a ride to school. normally, being woken up really burns my toast, but i actually didn't mind today. i was ready to start my day...even if i did want to roll over & pass back out. so i drove jordan to school. gave him some lunch money. i'm a good sister. lol.
that's my baby brother. he'll be 16 in february. aww.
then i went home. watched the price is right with my grandma. she made me some oatmeal with brown sugar. so delish :D. then i had to get ready for work :/ blehh. i opened the store and spent the majority of the day decorating cakes. very few customers, but one of my favorites came in: oh fudge! guy. he orders an oh fudge! shake every time he comes in & drops at least a $5 tip. he's super sweet. me gusta :D. i got really into this custom cake that took me all day. i built it, froze it, frosted it, decorated it...al in between doing other cakes. it came out adorable. it has buttercream frosting that i dyed brown & ghiradelli chocolate frosting chunks all over it that are supposed to look like dirt piles. there's little trucks & tractors & it says HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHAD in bright yellow :D
i like decorating cakes now that i'm getting better at it :)
after work, my mom called & asked what i'd like to eat for dinner. she said that because i'm probably not going to be able to eat much for the next couple days, i should have my favorite dinner :D ...so what do you think i picked? lol. my mama bought me $70 worth of sushi. yeaaaah. lol. jordan & i mowed down & we still have two styrofoam to-go boxes full of sushi in the fridge. mhm, i loooove having a refrigerator full of sushi :D haha.
oh. you're probably wondering why i won't be eating much for a while. tomorrow is the dreaded day. i'm getting my wisdom teeth out. DUN DUN DUN DUUUN.
soo i'm goin gto look like these people for a while. i'm getting ALL FOUR OUT...at once. eeek.
& i know it sounds stupid, but i'm kinda looking forward to the days following my surgery. i have thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, & monday off from work & school. nobody will expect me to cater to them. i'll have a little bit of uninterrupted relaxation. just a short (yet painful) break.
lately, i am so obsessed with gossip girl. i read the books when i was younger, but seriously, the book & the tv show are really different. i dig it though. unfortunately, i missed the entire first season, & new ones come on on mondays @ 8... during my political science class :/ booo. so every now & then i buy an episode off itunes. :]
what show are you obsessed with right now?
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halloweird.
Nov. 1st, 2008 | 06:35 pm
yesterday was fun, though not so much as much of a halloween-like celebration as i would have liked.
i had to work in the morning...booo. but a half hour into our shift, heather & i decided we simply could not spend halloween in plain old boring cold stone uniforms. so i called my mommy & she brought us down tons of costume accessories to add to our apron & visor. we both spent the majority of the day in fairy wings & princess crowns & halos. it was fantastic :D everytime i tried to get a picture though, we'd get a delivery or a customer :/.
chris showed up at cold stone during my shift & gave me concert tickets for a show that night.
when i got off, i picked chris up, & drove home. we're trying to be just friends. idk. i'm struggling with it. mostly because the littlest things about him piss me off & i can't stop thinking about what a royal douche he is.
anyway, we drove up to carson to johnny's. stopped and got some wendy's & headed up to reno where we had tickets to see senses fail,
with foxy shazam,
sky eats airplane,
& dance gavin dance.
pretty cool, sans a few retards moshing entirely too hard and some people who should seriously consider deoderant before a show.
then...we came home. i was pretty exhausted and the drive home was probably the toughest thing of my life.
today, chris & i cashed in all our coins. i had $33 & chris had $15... we spent it all on sushi. duh. haha.
now, i'm going to go see joel. he's leaving tomorrow to go back to the army. he might be getting deployed to iraq :'[ that makes me wanna cry.
anyways, i hope everyone had the happiest of halloweens. i don't want to take my decorations down!!
