i'm basically being entirely too stubborn these days.
i won't admit i'm wrong.
i won't admit i screwed up.
i won't admit that he's gone.
i won't admit that i'm broke.
i won't admit that i'm academically failing.
i won't admit that i have too much going on.
& i definitely won't admit that i'm miserable.
so what's going on? ahem. let's begin at the beginning.
i moved out. i love it. my mother & my wallet hate it. i get by & i do just fine but i definitely don't care how cushy my toilet paper is anymore. i've given up having my car detailed, manicures, and daily starbucks runs. but i'm okay. my apartment building is in foreclosure. the owners haven't been paying their mortgage. i have it all worked up in my head that they're spending our rent money on a secret underground drug cartel that stems from cuba. my i haven't been able maintain my health for the past couple months because i've been so busy. just got over the flu, followed by strep, & today i was diagnosed with bronchitis. swine flu aint got nothin on me. i'm now working three jobs, picked up my third at la ferme, a 5 star french restaurant where lyssa works. it's probably temporary which is a good thing because i'm run into the ground. i work at Wells Fargo tuesdays, thursdays, fridays, & saturdays. I work at La Ferme saturdays & sundays. I go to school mondays & wednesdays. & i'm pretty much on call at the swim center. it's rough not having any days to myself but i'm gonna pull through. i haven't been turning in much work at school, because frankly the free time i have is so sacred that i rarely feel the need to do more things i don't want to do. it's rough.
I just want a couple of days to get in the car with my besties, drive until we reach somewhere that's warm & happy. i want to stay in a sleezy motel & dance the night away on the beach. i want to climb a tree hungover & sleep in the branches. i want to dress like a hippy and go shopping in the haight in SF. i just want to be careless for a couple days.
i took this picture a couple weeks ago. i spent the night in reno & woke up & met lyssa in downtown. we went shopping & out to lunch & during the drive to sparks it started to rain so hard. it looked like the sky was trying to cleanse the slutty streets of the city & make it feel a little calmer for a few hours. i love this picture.

i'm going to be okay. there's going to be more day where i feel overwhelming joy & contentedness & there's going to be more days where i feel helpless & directionless. i just have to keep my head on straight, maintain a little bit of energy & remember that these are the days that i'll remember fondly as an old woman when i can no longer jump fences to evade the police or dance into tomorrow. these are the days that i'll cherish those fucked & exhausting & pointless & wreckless as they may be.
